Where does Presidents Day rank amongst the holidays? Does it make the top 20? I think the people who are off school or work for sure love it but thse who aren’t, does this change their day by any means?
Regardless, United Takes of America is celebrating the holiday with a new football lineup compiled of significant figures in American history. Let’s get into it, starting with the offense.
QB: Abraham Lincoln – People forget bro was 6’4″. As one of the greatest leaders in history, Abe will have no problem gaining the respect of his teammates. I see Abe as a pocket passer that is able to destroy opposing defenses with his vision and rocket arm. Additionally, I just found out Abraham Lincoln was actually a big-time wrestler (this will be a future post on it’s own as this just blew my mind and I need to do more digging.) So he is an ATHLETE. Lincoln does not always see plays through their entirety and will resort to scrambling , where he uses this athleticism to run over defenders. Player Comparison: Josh Allen
RB: James Madison – Standing at 5’4, Madison is the shortest president in U.S. History. Despite his short stature he was not afraid of anything and was one of the only presidents to accompany his troops into battle. I see him as a player that runs ANGRY with quick cuts and ready to run through a brick wall at any time. The energizer bunny of this offense. Player Comparison: Isiah Pachecco
WR1: Ben Franklin – If the man can catch lightning, a football should be nothing to this guy. Hands of GLUE and high football IQ to make up for what he lacks in speed. Player Comparison: Mike Evans
WR2: Uncle Sam – A wide receiver that is a walking highlight reel. Uncle Sam has insanely high confidence in himself and is not afraid to get in the mind of his defender, as he is constantly calling out the opposing team’s best corners saying “I want you.” Uncle Sam is known for tearing apart defenders and making spectacular catches. Player Comparison: 2014 Odell Beckham Jr.
WR3: Harriet Tubman – Harriet Tubman is an American hero. Her bravery in her journey of escaping slavery translates to her football skills as she can escape defenders with ease and is a lethal route runner. Player Comparison: Devonta Smith
TE: George Washington – George Washington is the best tight end the league may have to offer. A former soldier and the first presidential leader of the U.S, Washington is ready for war at all times. He plays with more passion than anyone and while he is a great route runner he also excels in the trenches and is the best blocking tight end out there. A leader and the favorite target of this extremely high-powered offense. Player Comparison: George Kittle
OL:
Statue of Liberty – Displays freedom for her QB. Big.
Grover Cleveland – Big.
William Howard Taft – Big. (I think like 350lbs big???)
Liberty Bell – Big.
Alexander Hamilton – Not as big, but leader of the offensive line. As Secretary of Treasury, I think that means he protects all of the United State’s hidden treasure. So he will protect our team’s treasure. The quarterback.
Player Comparisons: They are all the same to me not gonna lie
I think this offense could average 40 points a game. I really don’t see any weaknesses whatsoever. This team is smart with the ball, limits turnovers, and PUNISHES poor defense.
Speaking of defense, let’s now take a look at the other side of the field and evaluate Team USA’s defensive lineup.
DT: Samuel Adams – Known as a master of propaganda, Sam Adams misleads any offensive lineman in his way, drawing them to one side before swiping to the other for constant quarterback pressure. Player Comarison: Cameron Heyward
DT: Andrew Jackson – A past army general. Jackson rode with his soldiers in several wars. Andrew Jackson is a leader and thrives in the trenches. Can stop the run better than anyone. Player Comparison: Quinnen Williams
DE: Rosa Parks – Despite the coaching staff asking Rosa to play corner for this team, she refused to go to the back and insisted she played up front on the line. With her ability to play anywhere on the field, Parks is a major threat to the offense through her speed and versatality. Player Comparison: Micah Parsons
DE: Donald Trump – love him or hate him, Trump is an elite trash talker and owns 10000000 acres in the mind of any player lining up against him. Although he is the most penalized player on the team, he brings fire to the defense in hopes of making them great again. Player Comparison: Jerry Hughes
LOLB: Teddy Roosevelt – Strictly the Night at the Museum version. This guy is an absolute tank. Wisdom unlike anyone in the history of man kind. This is the kind of teammate you want on your side. Someone who brings together the whole locker room. A glue guy. Even though he is old enough to literally be in a museum, he is still elite for his age. Player Comparison: Bobby Wagner
MLB: Thomas Eddison – Electrifying. A fan favorite. Simple as that. Player Comparison: Ray Lewis
ROLB: Paul Revere – Paul gets the helmet with the headset inside to alert his teammates of what is coming. That’s all I’ve got.
CB: Barack Obama – I think Obama might be the coolest presidet we have had at least in my lifetime. If he can play football anything like he shoots hoops then these receivers are on lock-down. Multi-sport athlete. Player Comparison – Deion Sanders
CB: Martin Luther King Jr. – We had to get MLK on the squad. Can you imagine a pre-game speech from this guy???? Holy cow there is no chance every guy on the field isn’t ready to run through 100 brick walls at all times after MLK turns his “I have a Dream” speech turned to “I have a Team.”
S: Lewis and Clark – They are a package deal. It won’t count as an extra man on the field because this is a fake league and I make the rules so it’s all going to work out. These guys would go crazy at safety. They have the ability to cover lots of ground quickly as they did exploring the Louisiana Purchase. Good luck getting a deep ball on these guys. Player Comparison – Derwin James and Minkah Fitzpatrick
S: Bald Eagle – Nothing screams America like a bald eagle rounding out this fantasy football team as our star safety. Announcers coining the term “soaring in like an eagle” was all in respect for this guy. He’ll go down as the best to ever do it and the final piece of our championship roster. Player Comparison – Ed Reed on sterroids
Super Bowl incoming. Happy President’s Day everyone. I hope you spend it respecting how unreal this team would be. Crazy part is it’s only going to get better. Just wait until Dwayne the Rock Johnson takes over as president.