As the 2025 NFL Draft Concludes, and we expect every sports talk show to cover nothing but said draft, or the abundance of playoff hoops/puck we experience daily. However, a different topic has taken over the world, being debated all the way to ESPN. The topic in hand, 100 men vs 1 gorilla – who wins?
Rather than debating the topic that every other human has argued this week, I will be combining such current events for a new topic. This is the Top 10 1st Round Picks if Teams were Drafting for their 100 Men vs 1 Gorilla Fight.
As the 2025 NFL Draft concludes, the sports world turns its full attention to breaking down every selection while handing out draft grades like candy. Add in the chaos of NBA and NHL playoffs, and it’s safe to say the content calendar is booked.
But somehow, one simple question has shattered the algorithm and made its way all the way to ESPN: Who wins in a fight – 100 men or 1 gorilla?
Instead of adding to the trillions of existing debates on such topic, I’ve decided to combine these two hot topics.
What if these NFL front offices weren’t building a football team, but building their 100 man roster to go up against the gorilla.
THIS is the top 10 best picks of gorilla fighters of players taken in the first round of the 2025 NFL Draft.
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1.) Cincinnati Bengals – Shemar Stewart – EDGE
If there is one thing I 100% trust in Cincinnati, it is their proven ability to take down a gorilla (RIP Harambe). They know better than anyone which measurables best translate to such a duel. Shemar Stewart is a terrifying figure, standing at 6’5″, 280, and was basically selected for his athleticism upside alone. He is lengthy and EXPLOSIVE. His power rush should be elite in the front lines of the gorilla attack and hopefully able to take down the gorilla quickly. At his humungous size, he also holds the closest size comparison to a gorilla. So if anything he is a great scout team player. Home run pick.
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2.) New York Giants – Abdul Carter – EDGE
If I was drafting my 100 men to take down a gorilla, Abdul Carter is a guy I NEED on my team. Explosive yet savvy. Carter has the killer instinct and will be in the front lines of the attack (right behind our sacrificial bodies that are insta-kills). Right after the gorilla ends the front line, Abdul and the front line engage in a killer first block, hoping to take the gorilla down early. If by chance this wave does not take the gorilla down and trouble arises, Abdul should be able to spin away from the gorilla to stay alive and continue the good fight. Abdul Carter has the best survival instincts in this class.
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3.) New England Patriots – Will Campbell – OT
I do not expect Will to survive BUT you need at least one refrigerator-sized man who simply refuses to move to protect your men as long as possible. Will Campbell is that guy. At 6’6”, 325, he’s a literal blockade with arms. The Patriots didn’t just draft an offensive lineman – they drafted a medieval battering ram. This is a guy you strap plywood to, plant in the ground, and let the gorilla knock itself unconscious trying to move. Campbell will protect TENS of men if the gorilla gets past the initial block, and will be a wall, blocking for the rest of his troops. Total anchor.
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4.) Tennessee Titans – Cam Ward – QB
Let me be perfectly clear: Cam Ward is not touching the gorilla. He’s not even in the same time zone as the gorilla. He is, however, on a lifeguard tower with a megaphone calling the shots. Cam’s job is simple: command, coordinate, and keep the 100-man unit structured like a Spartan phalanx. He reads pressure better than any QB in the draft. He also is the ultimate hype man. If he can make Calvin Ridley feel like a top 3 WR, surely he can rally his troops to feel confident in taking down the beast.
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5.) Cleveland Browns – Mason Graham – DT
Mason Graham is a cinderblock that learned how to do a swim move. Hopefully the punches feel like cinderblocks as well. Graham will be one of the best fighters in the class. No finesse, no fluff – just raw force. Graham doesn’t need help. He is the help. If this guy gets hyped up by Cam Ward on his Twitch stream, he is going out with the mindset of taking the gorilla down 1v1.
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6.) Jacksonville Jaguars – WR/CB – Travis Hunter
So far, Travis Hunter has shown us there is nothing he can’t do. He plays offense, he plays defense, surely he can also fight a gorilla. He has a motor that never seems to run out of gas. HIGH ENERGY. Did you see this guy when he got drafted jumping around the hall and slapping the crap out of the jags logo? Imagine that slap force across the face of a 400 pound gorilla. Goodnight. I also think Travis Hunter could be the only player in this draft class who would bite the gorilla (just seems like the type) so extra points there.
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7.) New Orleans Saints – Kelvin Banks Jr. – OT
Like football, this fight will be won in the trenches. Kelvin Banks is 6’4”, 320, and built like a two-car garage. He’s the type of guy you draft purely to take up space and ruin momentum from the evil gorilla. He doesn’t get pushed. Banks acts as another wall and gives your front-line fighters a place to retreat and reset. Banks is the gorilla fortress.
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8.) Chicago Bears – Colston Loveland – TE
Colston is your wild card, seems like the vibes guy that every tight end is. He’s the first guy to say “I think I can wrestle it,” and while he absolutely cannot, the willingness earns him a permanent place in the fight. Tight ends are built for gorilla warfare: good blockers with just enough speed to escape and make a move. Loveland will probably get murked quite early, but will provide confidence and the initial blow to the gorilla.
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9.) San Francisco 49ers – Mykel Williams – EDGE
Mykel is a finesse rusher with big upside, but you don’t need finesse in a gorilla fight — you need cruelty. That said, he’s athletic enough to do damage if you give him the right role. Think aerial attacker with a grappling hook.
There’s a version of this fight where Mykel jumps off a boulder and superman punches the gorilla for the win. There is also a version where he hesitates and gets swatted into the sun. High ceiling, low floor. Exciting prospect either way.
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10.) Los Angeles Chargers – Omarion Hampton – RB
In a linemen heavy draft, Hampton is the best RB in this class when it comes to gorilla warfare (sorry Jeanty.) Hampton is built like a mini tank and runs with actual fury. He’s the bowling ball you send straight into the gorilla’s knees and hope something buckles. A gorilla without knees becomes far less deadly.