Adam Silver called. Said he’s tired. Handed me the keys. He said “Harrison I can’t take this anymore. I need you to make All-Star Weekend awesome again.” Fine Adam Silver. I will do it.
So here’s the plan. Some traditional stuff stays. Most stuff goes out, or at least drastically changed.
Because if the players don’t care (which they don’t), the event has to be entertaining anyway.
1. Dunk Contest: If the Stars Won’t Do It, Mascots Will.
At this point in time, I feel like we are pretty tapped out on insane new dunks these guys could do. Between Lavine, Gordon, and McClung putting the dunk contest on their back over recent years, I just don’t see anyone coming on who can do anything THAT much crazier than the dunks they have been able to pull off.
The stars of today’s NBA know this too, which is what I think has become one of the biggest reasons why nobody with a big name wants to compete here, making the dunk contest full of guys who don’t even see NBA minutes. (or the guys who do get minutes are Jaxon Hayes which may be even worse)
So we pivot.
NBA stars don’t want to compete? No worries. The mascots are in now.
And not just normal dunks, I’m talking
- Bungee cord dunks
- Trampoline incorporation
- Rings of fire / pyrotechnics
- Props
We’re going to move away from different variations of the same 5 dunks, and pivot towards some real theatrics.
I want Benny the Bull trampolining over 5 KIA’s with a flaming basketball, delivering a 360 slam to cement himself as the best mascot dunker the league has ever seen.
This gets teams more excited with a sense of team pride as well. This would add fuel to the fire on league rivalries. In 2035 when your Luka glazing, Lakers fan friend won’t let you stop hearing how his Lakers are better than your Washington Wizards, you would at least have in your back pocket the fact that G-Wiz has won three NBA Mascot Dunk Contests, while his measly Lakers don’t even have a mascot.
2A. The 1v1 Tournament
Jaylen Brown calling guys out to compete for this in the future is HUGE. Everyone knows a 1v1 tournament would crush.
Everyone wants to know who the best 1v1 player in our league is. Kevin Durant? Joel Embiid? Luka Doncic? Wemby? We’re going to finally put it to the test.
We know this works because I saw more clips from the women’s 1-on-1 stuff this week than I have of any other women’s hoops content ever. People clearly enjoyed it, and the players clearly CARED.
But say our players don’t…
Again, no worries, Adam Silver. We don’t need the stars to care about this one either.
2B. The 1v1 Royal Rumble
Bill Simmons floated this idea and it’s so so so good. We’re going to run with it.
Nobody knows who’s competing ahead of time.
Players come out one at a time, play a 1v1, then the winner stays and awaits the next competitor’s entry. WWE Royal Rumble entrances.
You can bring in ANYONE to get a nice crowd pop.
- Current NBA guys
- Legends
- Overseas hoopers
- Celebrities
- College stars
- Literally anyone
Imagine this sequence:
Jimmer Fredette hits a three in Angel Reece’s mouth to eliminate her
Then glass shatters. Stone Cold Steve Austin music begins.
Out from the tunnel OH MY GOD! Adam Sandler sprints out in his basketball shorts down to his ankles, and tshirt down to his knees.
Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.
It has legs to be the highlight of the weekend.
3. Three-Point Contest Stays Exactly the Same
We’re going to just keep the three point contest the same. I think players buy into this one a bit more since it is easy on the body and a cool one to win. Shooters care, fans care, everyone understands it. Just have to hope the Currys, Lillards, and Bookers of the league continue to compete in it.
4. The All-Star Game Itself. Let’s Try Nick Wright’s Idea Once
Nick Wright said it. We all heard it. Lets try it just one time…….
The biggest question becomes which team will Steph Curry play for?