In an alternate universe, I am a giant, roaming the United States of America. I stand at 100 feet, 6 inches tall, and all I have to eat is my box of Giant cereal (with milk.) Unfortunately, nobody makes cereal bowls for me if I was a giant, so I am forced to find my own giant bowl. A Super Bowl if you will. Which NFL Stadium would make the best cereal bowl? Luckily, I have put decades of research into a study to find out in case this were to occur. So here it is.
If I was a giant looking to use an NFL Stadium as a bowl for my Giant Cereal – Ranked (Not Clickbait)
30.) SoFi Stadium – Los Angeles Chargers/Rams
I can go on and on talking about what would make this a horrible stadium to eat cereal out of if I was a giant. First of all, good luck getting any cereal in here. SoFi has open sides to the stadium, so your giant cereal and milk surely would spill right out of the bottom. On top of this, even if you somehow managed to fill up this stadium with giant cereal, the top of the stadium is a see-through glass, that would just taunt you by being able to SEE your giant cereal, but not eat it. Also the pointy side looks like it would stab me. I’ll pass. Two (giant) thumbs down.
29.) Ford Field – Detroit Lions
Lets just rattle off these closed-roof stadiums that would be impossible to eat giant cereal out of. For Field doesn’t even look somewhat close to a giant bowl, and looks even worse sitting right next to Comerica Park, Home of the Detroit Tigers, that surely would make a much more serviceable cereal bowl for me if I was a giant (future list to come).
28.) US Bank Stadium – Minnesota Vikings
Closed roof, no giant cereal. You couldn’t even lay your giant cereal on the top or else it would slide off the slope of the roof. Ummmmm yeah I’ll pass.
27.) Caesars Superdome – New Orleans Saints
Unfortunate spot for the stadium hyped up for this year’s “Super Bowl” when this bowl would be nowhere NEAR super. Not even a bowl. Closed roof. I’ll be taking my giant cereal elsewhere.
26.) Allegiant Stadium – Las Vegas Raiders
A truly unfortunate roofed stadium, as Allegiant has a great giant cereal bowl shape, almost perfect really. However, the closed top makes this impossible to eat giant cereal out of. It is truly the biggest “What If” in giants eating big cereal out of NFL stadiums discussions.
25.) Levi’s Stadium – San Fransisco 49ers
Now that we’re past the closed roofs, we get into the next category of NFL Stadiums as giant cereal bowls. A category I like to call “Giant Cereal Bowls with a Crack.” It is a real bummer for us giants looking to eat giant cereal, that quite a few stadiums have a big opening somewhere in their architecture, where walls become non-existent. A perfect and most obvious example of this is Levi’s Stadium. Clearly as you can see in the example photo, if I poured giant cereal and milk into this stadium it would barely fill before running out of the side, hence the “crack” in my giant bowl.
24.) Arcisure Stadium – Pittsburgh Steelers
Well my giant wrists are going to be covered in giant milk if I poured any into this dumpster. Two gaping holes on the side in a stadium that overall has a pretty solid bowl-shape. Hate to see a stadium so close be ruined by a couple measly cracks.
23.) Lincoln Financial Field – Philadelphia Eagles
Lincoln Financial is a bit better, as I could at least get some giant cereal into here, but all in all still has a crack in the corner. LOTS of these bowls are cracked.
22.) Empower Field at Mile High – Denver Broncos
Very similar to Philly, Denver’s stadium would fit some giant cereal, but not enough to have a fulfilling breakfast. You would think a Mile High stadium would account for Mile High humans looking to eat a mile high pile of giant cereal. Not for me.
21.) Huntington Bank Field – Cleveland Browns
Let’s start flying through these cracked bowls that are regarded as trash. Thankfully, Cleveland is more than used to being referred to as trash so they shouldn’t take this too harshly.
20.) Paycor Stadium – Cincinnati Bengals
Cincinnati is known for cheap ownership so no surprise here that they couldn’t invest in turning Paycor into a better stadium for me if I was a giant hungry for some giant cereal. Next.
19.) Nissan Stadium – Tennessee Titans
Finally, the last cracked bowl. Nissan isn’t an AWFUL giant cereal bowl and could fit the most giant cereal in it of all the cracked bowl stadiums, with cracks not appearing until about half way up. This would surely suffice if a giant baby or toddler wanted some giant cereal.
18.) AT&T Stadium (Open) – Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Jones is back at it again. He designed this stadium knowing damn well it would be a hassle for me to eat cereal out of it if I was a giant looking to eat giant cereal out of a stadium. Jerry made this Saw-like torture bowl by implementing a retractable roof as well as giant pillars that run across the opening right when you think you will be getting access to your giant cereal. This is just as messed up as windows to blind his players, if not more.
17.) Lucas Oil Stadium (Open) – Indianapolis Colts
Another retractable roof that would make fitting my giant hands into the stadium to scoop out some giant cereal just tricky enough to be annoying. While I would for sure be able to eat giant cereal out of this, it would just take a bit more brain power exerted into the act than I would prefer, getting around these pillars. I’ll use it if I have to.
16.) Mercedes Benz Stadium (Open) – Atlanta Falcons
Let’s carry on with the retractable roof pattern we have going here. Coming in at 16 we have Mercedes Benz Stadium. This retractable roof appears to be better for cereal than the others, as there are no pillars running across the opening. Although… the opening seems a bit small, and I may have trouble fitting my giant hands through. If I have a long enough spoon, I’m sure I would have no problem with this bowl, but what if all of my long spoons are dirty?
15.) Raymond James Stadium – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Alright, half way through and it appears we have a perfect 50/50 split on bowls I’d want to eat out of and bowls I wouldn’t. Raymond James gets to hold the title of “worst of the best” as I would eat giant cereal out of this bowl. It would hold what I need and has easy access, only knock I really have here is it’s just not a really good bowl shape. I don’t want a square bowl for my giant cereal man. I also don’t really like how some sides are taller than others. These are factors that don’t really affect (or effect, whichever is correct) whether or not I am ABLE to eat giant cereal, they just alternate how much I would ENJOY eating giant cereal. But she’ll do.
14.) Lumen Field – Seattle Seahawks
If I could use my giant hands to take off these random blue quarter-roof tops and arches, Lumen Field would be way higher on this list, but that’s not the name of the game. The stadium itself has everything I would be looking for if I was a giant looking to eat giant cereal out of a stadium, but the unnecessary arches are a major cereal bowl turn off. Again, this wouldn’t effect how I am able to eat the giant cereal, it would just be visually unappealing.
13.) Hard Rock Stadium – Miami Dolphins
Okay I know this is probably my hottest take I have ever had regarding me eating cereal out of a stadium, but I don’t think Hard Rock would be half bad. Sure, it has a random border around the top that could be annoying, but some bowls have that man. Maybe I could put some giant fruit slices on there and apply to my giant cereal as I please. Or cut a hole out to use as a giant cup-holder and make this a great on-the-go giant cereal bowl? Just spit balling here. Totally fine bowl in terms of pouring and eating my giant cereal.
12. Gillete Stadium – New England Patriots
Gillete is a great giant cereal bowl. Great bowl shape, great space for as much giant cereal as I want, and no obstacles for my spoon nor my giant hand diving in for more. Only knock here is the section with the jumbo-tron that doesn’t line up with the height of the rest of the bowl. It would just grind my gears a little bit that’s all.
11.) State Farm Stadium (Open) – Arizona Cardinals
Retractable roof, with a bit smaller of a hole than I would prefer, but it’s big enough to eat cereal out of no doubt. Great wide bowl shape here as well. This will work. (may need the long spoon though)
10.) NRG Stadium (Open) – Houston Texans
We have reached the top 10! What an honor it is for stadiums to make it this high on the list. Of all stadiums with a retractable roof, NRG is the cream of the crop for a hungry giant. Look at how wide it opens! This might as well not even have a roof. I’m filling this bowl to the top and enjoying every bite.
9.) Arrowhead Stadium – Kansas City Chiefs
The rest of these giant cereal bowls are pretty elite and I would gladly eat my giant cereal out of the rest of these. I know beggers can’t be choosers, but me being picky, only thing that knocks off points for Arrowhead is the giant Chiefs sign. I prefer my giant bowls to not have that.
7.) Everbank Stadium – Jacksonville Jaguars
WOW. Okay now it’s getting tough to even choose between which of the remaining stadiums make giant cereal bowls. Let’s just admire these next few, and acknowledge how great they would be as giant cereal bowls. No words.
6.) Soldier Field – Chicago Bears
5.) Lambeau Field – Green Bay Packers
4.) M&T Bank Stadium – Baltimore Ravens
3.) Northwest Stadium – Washington Commanders
Here it is. The final three. If I was a giant looking for a good stadium to use as a bowl for my giant cereal, these are the three I would most prefer. At number three, Nortwest Stadium. I am well past having complaints for the remaining stadiums. It is all just perks from here on out. Biggest perk here it is the PERFECT shape I am looking for in a bowl, getting wider as the bowl reaches the top, but still wide all around, and very close to being just about circular. I would GLADLY devour my giant cereal from this stadium.
2.) Bank of America Stadium – Carolina Panthers
At two, we have the Bank of America Stadium. The number one perk for THIS stadium is it clears all others in capacity of giant cereal it could hold. This thing is TALL this thing is WIDE and there are ZERO cracks. I can fit a family sized box for giants in this bowl. I’m not even going to be able to eat it all. I can boil water in this and make spaghetti. WOW. Loss for words and a real competitor for the number one spot. But there can only be one.
1.) Metlife Stadium – New York Jets/Giants
And now, at number one, the moment you have all been waiting for, Metlife Stadium. My. God. Would you look at this. This would make any hungy giant squeal in excitement. Look how PERFECTLY smooth this stadium is. Best in the league in that regard. No overhangs, no signs, no balconies, just SMOOTH. This would fit so perfectly in my giant hands. Think of how much giant cereal could be poured into Metlife. Surely it’s getting soggy in the giant milk because no way I would be able to finish this bowl fast enough, even as a hungry giant. Metlife crosses off all my boxes and takes the honors of being the best NFL stadium as a cereal bowl if I was a hungry giant looking for the best place to eat my giant cereal.
Thanks.